Open letter
Open Letter to all others like me -
Hello.
If you actually do reach the end of this very long ramble - thank you. If you exit this page right away - well thanks for giving it a shot.
I dont even know if I am neurotic case, but I am one of those people riddled with anxiety, worrying, stage fear and what not... I won't say I have overcome it, I really do have no idea if I ever will. However I do think I have made some progress (still don't know in which direction - but I will go with any movement is better than none).
Here goes.
I used to be supersensitive even to what friends say. Forget strangers. For me if a complete stranger says something means I can be go - 'screw you' and move on. To some extent. But when friends/ family itself says na it used to hurt. A Lot.
A cow's lifetime would have passed in the gap that I ruminated over what somebody told me. Analysed it. Ran it over and over in my head. Wondered why they said that. Wondered why I replied like that. Running all the possible outcomes in my head. Wondering what would have happened if... You get the flow.
I stressed a lot over what people would think. What they'd say. Having stage fear never really helped my cause. I remember this teacher who made sure I took part in a bunch of skits and stuff when I was in school because my voice was clear over the mike and what not.. Only I know how shaky my voice was inside my head.
No amount of reassurance/self help books or what ever you do helps you. You can do everything all those 'gurus' say and fail miserably at doing your best. Until the point where you need help. When making calls/talking to strangers/meeting new people/... Basically your whole life is over until you have your nerves under control, until you stop feeling awkward all the time.
And then there is lame humour. The defence of every awkward person who can muster the courage to try and distract somebody by being somewhat funny. If only to shift focus from yourself. Or because its always great to watch people find you funny, but mostly the former. It also makes hiding your wounds easier.
If people find you funny or think you are happy, they tend to ask fewer questions. I've met more people who have wanted to know how I was doing so that they would get some gossip/ to pass time than people who have wanted to actually help. Luckily the ones who did want to help, did a wonderful job.
The second some people sense anything close to unhappiness they swarm in like dementors. Waiting to feed on your unhappiness. Trying to prolong it. Reminding you of why you don't deserve anything you have. Reinforcing eveything you have ever told yourself on a bad hair day.
The point was I am not one of them. Hopefully I never will be. Here is what somebody taught me and I think you should know. I don't know if you suffer like I do. I don't know what you have been through. I don't know if this will help you even. ( If you are somebody who knows me or follows me - you can use it to knock some sense into me too).
1. It doesn't matter. It really doesn't. What they think. What you think. At some point of time you will be old and wrinkly, smelling of nycil ( based on the approximate 100 patients I'd have worked with in an ICU - and subsequently started hating talcum powder). The last thing you want to think when that incompetent intern comes to take your last ever BP recording is - 'shit! I never did that because of xyz. And now I can't talk or move and my arm hurts because of this doctor and I can't tell the dumbass'
You don't. Conversely you also don't want to be the doctor wondering if you could have done something to save the person. Curse yourself for the inability of your line to help a point.
The only way to save yourself from that is to stop letting others make your decions. Or you making theirs. Once you figure this bit out, that thing we call being sensitive- it automatically gets sorted out. It doesn't make you a sissy if you are sensitive, but it does make you awesome if you can laugh through everything, irrespective of how others look at it.
2.You are alone. You always will be alone. People will come and go but you have to live with yourself. If you can't make peace with yourself.... There is nothing before or after that actually. You are flawed. We all are. Learn what your flaws are, if only to make sure nobody uses them against you. If you want something, do it yourself. The more you rely on somebody else for help, the more leverage you are giving them to butt into your life.
3. Do good. Be nice. Because you want to. Doing good never hurt anybody. It is how you will be remembered. Remember little details. It makes people feel special.
4. Don't walk into something with expectations. Easier said than done, but just trying will help you. The less you expect from somebody,the less you will be disappointed in them→ reduced incidence of mulling over stuff, sensitivity etc. Don't expect people to be kind, fair, good hearted, non-psychotic with some kind of morals. If the people you meet do- well and good. If they don't- well nobody promised you they would be.
5. Do not let anybody, not even yourself...mess with your happiness. They will judge. They will criticise. They will question. Unfortunately nobody is going to be unahppy with you. Do not let adverse information about something..get in the way of what could be something amazing for yourself. You could ruin your day because you heard Xyz telling Abc and Def something behind your back.. Or you could go out and have fun and ignore the hell out of them because you know better. Do whatever makes you happy (unless you have some dark happiness triggers...).
6. You don't need to prove it to them. You don't need to prove anything to anybody other than those who stood by you through things you never thought you'd see yourself through. Like your mom. It's okay if people judge you because of something you said/did. It's okay if they think you are weird. Maybe you are, maybe you aren't - it never matters.
7. Don't over analyse every bloody bit of your life. I did. I sometimes still do. It freaks you out, it will make you prepare in advance which most of the times is a good thing.. But beyond control the worrying enters the part where you can't function unless you have things in order. Make a list. Do it. And stop thinking why. Unless you are a scientist ro something. It's okay to not understand some things.
8. You will die. We all will. You might die say tomorrow. If you do, you don't want to be given up on easily.. Your life doesn't want to be given up on either. Stop thinking everything is over. Or nothing will change things. Do what you are supposed to be doing best and keep moving - life surprises us with changes when we least expect it.
I'd go on and come up with points 9. and 10. so that this would be like one of those Buzzfeed lists.. Sadly I don't really have much more to say. Hope this helped you in some way... If it didn't someday I hope to write something that will.
Thanks for reading
Mocha :)
Hello.
If you actually do reach the end of this very long ramble - thank you. If you exit this page right away - well thanks for giving it a shot.
I dont even know if I am neurotic case, but I am one of those people riddled with anxiety, worrying, stage fear and what not... I won't say I have overcome it, I really do have no idea if I ever will. However I do think I have made some progress (still don't know in which direction - but I will go with any movement is better than none).
Here goes.
I used to be supersensitive even to what friends say. Forget strangers. For me if a complete stranger says something means I can be go - 'screw you' and move on. To some extent. But when friends/ family itself says na it used to hurt. A Lot.
A cow's lifetime would have passed in the gap that I ruminated over what somebody told me. Analysed it. Ran it over and over in my head. Wondered why they said that. Wondered why I replied like that. Running all the possible outcomes in my head. Wondering what would have happened if... You get the flow.
I stressed a lot over what people would think. What they'd say. Having stage fear never really helped my cause. I remember this teacher who made sure I took part in a bunch of skits and stuff when I was in school because my voice was clear over the mike and what not.. Only I know how shaky my voice was inside my head.
No amount of reassurance/self help books or what ever you do helps you. You can do everything all those 'gurus' say and fail miserably at doing your best. Until the point where you need help. When making calls/talking to strangers/meeting new people/... Basically your whole life is over until you have your nerves under control, until you stop feeling awkward all the time.
And then there is lame humour. The defence of every awkward person who can muster the courage to try and distract somebody by being somewhat funny. If only to shift focus from yourself. Or because its always great to watch people find you funny, but mostly the former. It also makes hiding your wounds easier.
If people find you funny or think you are happy, they tend to ask fewer questions. I've met more people who have wanted to know how I was doing so that they would get some gossip/ to pass time than people who have wanted to actually help. Luckily the ones who did want to help, did a wonderful job.
The second some people sense anything close to unhappiness they swarm in like dementors. Waiting to feed on your unhappiness. Trying to prolong it. Reminding you of why you don't deserve anything you have. Reinforcing eveything you have ever told yourself on a bad hair day.
The point was I am not one of them. Hopefully I never will be. Here is what somebody taught me and I think you should know. I don't know if you suffer like I do. I don't know what you have been through. I don't know if this will help you even. ( If you are somebody who knows me or follows me - you can use it to knock some sense into me too).
1. It doesn't matter. It really doesn't. What they think. What you think. At some point of time you will be old and wrinkly, smelling of nycil ( based on the approximate 100 patients I'd have worked with in an ICU - and subsequently started hating talcum powder). The last thing you want to think when that incompetent intern comes to take your last ever BP recording is - 'shit! I never did that because of xyz. And now I can't talk or move and my arm hurts because of this doctor and I can't tell the dumbass'
You don't. Conversely you also don't want to be the doctor wondering if you could have done something to save the person. Curse yourself for the inability of your line to help a point.
The only way to save yourself from that is to stop letting others make your decions. Or you making theirs. Once you figure this bit out, that thing we call being sensitive- it automatically gets sorted out. It doesn't make you a sissy if you are sensitive, but it does make you awesome if you can laugh through everything, irrespective of how others look at it.
2.You are alone. You always will be alone. People will come and go but you have to live with yourself. If you can't make peace with yourself.... There is nothing before or after that actually. You are flawed. We all are. Learn what your flaws are, if only to make sure nobody uses them against you. If you want something, do it yourself. The more you rely on somebody else for help, the more leverage you are giving them to butt into your life.
3. Do good. Be nice. Because you want to. Doing good never hurt anybody. It is how you will be remembered. Remember little details. It makes people feel special.
4. Don't walk into something with expectations. Easier said than done, but just trying will help you. The less you expect from somebody,the less you will be disappointed in them→ reduced incidence of mulling over stuff, sensitivity etc. Don't expect people to be kind, fair, good hearted, non-psychotic with some kind of morals. If the people you meet do- well and good. If they don't- well nobody promised you they would be.
5. Do not let anybody, not even yourself...mess with your happiness. They will judge. They will criticise. They will question. Unfortunately nobody is going to be unahppy with you. Do not let adverse information about something..get in the way of what could be something amazing for yourself. You could ruin your day because you heard Xyz telling Abc and Def something behind your back.. Or you could go out and have fun and ignore the hell out of them because you know better. Do whatever makes you happy (unless you have some dark happiness triggers...).
6. You don't need to prove it to them. You don't need to prove anything to anybody other than those who stood by you through things you never thought you'd see yourself through. Like your mom. It's okay if people judge you because of something you said/did. It's okay if they think you are weird. Maybe you are, maybe you aren't - it never matters.
7. Don't over analyse every bloody bit of your life. I did. I sometimes still do. It freaks you out, it will make you prepare in advance which most of the times is a good thing.. But beyond control the worrying enters the part where you can't function unless you have things in order. Make a list. Do it. And stop thinking why. Unless you are a scientist ro something. It's okay to not understand some things.
8. You will die. We all will. You might die say tomorrow. If you do, you don't want to be given up on easily.. Your life doesn't want to be given up on either. Stop thinking everything is over. Or nothing will change things. Do what you are supposed to be doing best and keep moving - life surprises us with changes when we least expect it.
I'd go on and come up with points 9. and 10. so that this would be like one of those Buzzfeed lists.. Sadly I don't really have much more to say. Hope this helped you in some way... If it didn't someday I hope to write something that will.
Thanks for reading
Mocha :)
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